Wikipedia defines self-love as “regard for one’s own happiness or advantage”, and has been conceptualized both as a basic human necessity AND as a moral flaw, akin to vanity and selfishness,
How can love be both a necessity and a moral flaw? If you read any article in Cosmopolitan, Prevention, Women’s Health or other magazines, you will read all the different ways you can show yourself some love. Then, they will add how to love your partner, too!
Self-love is a topic that frequently comes up with coaching clients I work with, whether they are completely aware of it or not. I can often discern a lack of self-love in how they approach their words, their actions, and especially their belief in themselves.
In my opinion, love is a many splendored thing, and I want to share a metaphor with you.
Compare loving yourself to the love your parents shared with you. Your parents may not have LIKED you all the time, but they always LOVED you for who you are.
In other words, you may not like some of the habits you have, or the patterns you fall into. Yet, at the end of the day, if you can look yourself in the mirror and say, “I love you”, you are rocking the self-love!
Now, love doesn’t just appear out of thin air. And most of us do not fall in love with ourselves at first sight.
Think of babies who see themselves in the mirror for the first time. Babies don’t recognize their own reflection at first, and may appear surprised or startled at first. Then, they start making funny faces in the mirror, or they admire themselves. They might smile, gurgle, laugh or otherwise connect with their own image.
That’s the kind of feeling I want you to come away with at the end of this article.
If you’re not there right now, it’s okay. Read on for how to love yourself inside and out.
Why is self-love important?
You may have Rupaul’s famous quote, “If you don’t love yourself, how the he!! do you expect someone else to love you?”.
Well, that’s not accurate. You can still be loved by other people without loving yourself.
It makes it really hard for your significant other to share their love with you if you beat yourself up all the time. And that can be difficult for that person to express love to you if you cannot express it to yourself. And, it’s still possible.
However, the more you can love yourself, the more likely you will have a fulfilling and satisfying life. Not to mention you are more likely to attract a mate who can express their love fully to you without inhibition.
I feel like it’s important to address the idea of self-love when it comes to having specific health goals, especially if those goals include weight loss. In certain body positive communities, they refuse to talk about weight at all, because there is a misconception that focusing on weight means you don’t love yourself.
This is completely false! When I lost weight, it wasn’t because I hated my body or myself. It was because I wanted more out of life than I was able to enjoy at the size I was. Do not be fooled that self-love means you don’t want to improve yourself.
The journey to self-love begins with appreciation.
It starts with appreciation
We can usually think of at least one thing we appreciate about ourselves. Here are a few examples:
- You care for others.
- You love your family.
- You support your family financially.
- You are a great cook, or a successful entrepreneur.
And, then, there are the other things you don’t really acknowledge about yourself, either because it’s “not a big deal” or you are falling short” in that category.
Not a big deal
We all have certain characteristics or qualities that just come so naturally that we don’t even think of them as a “skill” or “strength.”.
For example, I am extremely persistent.
I’m like Dora the Explorer, who often says “I will never give up”. To be real, this helps me as a business owner, but may not be appreciated by my family in certain circumstances.
I like to finish everything I start, whether it’s a half marathon or an argument with my family. I just don’t know how to give up (or refuse to).
Because this quality is so innate to me, and I might be criticized for it, I don’t always acknowledge or appreciate it.
Being able to love yourself inside and means seeing all that you are capable of, even if it seems “easy” to you.
What are some qualities or habits you currently have that are easy and “not a big deal” for you? Can you acknowledge and appreciate it today?
Falling short
If you have ever been embarrassed, frustrated or disappointed by your results, then you may have adopted this perspective of “failing” or “falling short”.
First of all- whether you believe we are all actors on a stage (thanks, Shakespeare) or not, that does NOT mean that our lives play out like movies.
- As babies, we fall down.
- As teenagers, we get bullied.
- As young adults, we don’t get the degree or the fiance(e).
- As professionals, we don’t get the promotion or the job.
- As adults, we get divorced, gain weight, or fall short at parenting.
I have failed at many things, and fallen short on many others. When I crossed the finish line during my first half marathon, it was past the “closing” of the race. My pace was slower than the race “hours”, and my family were the only ones waiting for me at the finish line.
I still crossed the finish line, and it was nothing like I had imagined it would turn out.
How you talk to yourself when you don’t succeed is the most important way you can love yourself.
Think about it- if you shared some of your insecurities about yourself to your best friend, and they not only agreed but added fuel to the fire, how long would you be their friend?
By the way, it’s ok to be disappointed in yourself, It is NOT ok to demean, berate, or otherwise belittle your accomplishments, whether that’s internally or verbally.
If you find yourself tempted to do so, try to turn that sentiment around to one of appreciation. While I don’t like that I crossed the finish line after the race had closed (and walked the last few miles in pain), I appreciate that my family was waiting for me at the end and I was able to cross the finish line on my own two feet (instead of crawling).
And it could take years to go from acknowledgement to appreciation. It’s worth the effort, but it could take a long time. And if you don’t have support, the journey may take longer than you wish it to.
One small caveat: Even the most positive person in the world has at least a few things they do not appreciate about themselves. People who struggle with expressing appreciation may need external support from a friend, mentor, or coach until they have the strong foundation of self-love behind them.
Appreciating the physical
We live in a world where you can change just about anything on your physical body. You can dye your hair, fix your teeth with braces, cover yourself in tattoos, use Botox to eliminate wrinkles, freeze fat off your body, and even sculpt new or improved body parts for yourself. These types of enhancements range from pricey to painful, if not both.
Then, there are things on our body we cannot alter. You can’t change the shape of your body, the color of your skin, or in some cases, the genetic gifts you receive from past generations.
How do you learn to appreciate physical parts of yourself that you’ve been fighting with for years?
By appreciating what your body allows you to do.
Let’s be real- you can put a coat of paint on top of your body, and still not appreciate it. You can change your hair color, and still dislike the texture of your hair. You can pump iron all day long, and still moan about your muffin top.
Let me share an example of how I learned to appreciate the least favorite part of my body.
Tummy Troubles
I don’t like my stomach. Not only does it have loose skin from losing 100 pounds, but it has a very unique shape, and is covered in stretch marks and scars. I used to tame it with shape wear and try to control it. I never show my stomach publicly- not even in my wedding sari.
I’m not bothered by the appearance of my stomach so much as the shape and the proportion. But, this makes it very hard for me to appreciate it.
No matter what size I am or how hard I work on my fitness, my stomach will basically look the same (unless I have surgery). This is not a matter of doing crunches or planks- my stomach muscles underneath are actually quite strong.
Here’s what I do appreciate about my stomach.
- I appreciate that it safely housed my two daughters, who were born healthy. My stomach was a safe haven for my children throughout the whole time they were growing.
- Another thing I can appreciate about my stomach is my husband and family enjoy it. They think it’s cute and soft. My stomach is a soft, comfortable place for my children to lay their heads and be close to me.
- One last thing I can appreciate about my belly is a bit unorthodox. I love dancing, especially belly dancing. My slow stomach rolls in belly dancing are impressive!
Now flip the script
There are a number of ways you can flip the script when it comes to yourself. However, the true test is self-love lies in whether you change your identity.
Our identity goes beyond our characteristics or personality. Often, it’s tied to a role, or what we do. Our actions often define our habits, which then informs our identity.
If you identify as a “fat person”, then it will be hard for you to create habits that you tend to associate with a “thin” person. The actions you take validate your identity as a “fat” person.
On the other side, if you identify as a “beautiful” person, then what you see in the mirror will shift. You may not notice it at first- it took me several years after losing weight to embrace my new identity or even share it publicly with others.
The Steps to Self-Love
The process of self-love can be a slow one. Follow these simple steps to loving youself inside and out.
- Point out one thing you *already* appreciate about yourself today.
- Then find, one physical thing you do not appreciate about yourself.
- Flip that script into a more loving perspective (it’s fine to recruit friends and family for this!)
- List out more ways you can appreciate yourself, then repeat.